WARNING: Do not allow the image (Fig. 1) to remain stationary on your PC screen for more than 20 seconds or risk stoppage of your system clock.
Writing in the Journal of Reconstructive Folly, Dr. Heine detailed the procedures that were necessary to bring Mrs. Pelosi’s face up to code. Renovation was so extensive that Dr. Heine was required to secure a building permit.
It was necessary to remove the existing epidermis and flabodermis to a depth of 7 mm (exceptionally deep), and then remove scale, mold, and dermal debris to provide a clean base surface. A tack coat of tar emulsion was applied to aid adhesion for new layer.
Compaction was necessary to smooth out ripples and bumps, followed by multiple layers of a polymer-modified bitumen material. A latex grout was troweled into surface deformations and hairline cracks to facilitate smoothness, durability, and skid resistance.
The following photo (Fig.2) was taken after the temporary scaffolding has been removed from the upper portion of her face. One can detect the sunken appearance of the eyes prior to the procedure to extrude the eyeball out to Mrs. Pelosi’s preferred Marty Feldman-like protrusion.
Fig. 2
In Fig.2, her new Bondo® nose has not yet been ground down or chiseled, thus the sharp pointy tip. An unfortunate incident delayed the operation when Mrs. Pelosi’s nose accidentally punctured a clipboard being carried by Bertha Venation, an intern recording Dr. Heine’s narrative. The clipboard was rendered useless and two nurse assistants labored for ten minutes to remove the impaled clipboard from Mrs. Pelosi’s pointy proboscis.
In Fig.3, Dr. Heine is shown checking the Speaker’s face to quantify the amount of loose or excessive skin. There appears to be enough epidermal excess to make a toaster cover and some coasters, although Mrs. Pelosi is known to favor human skin lampshades.